The Submariner Shower – How To Get Clean In 2 Minutes or Less

When I’m walking down the street, people often stop me to ask a simple question; “Chad, how is that you shower in such a quick and efficient manner? Please, oh wise one, fill me with your knowledge, like a bishop fills his disciple with…”. I always tell them the same thing, to follow the Submariner Shower (SS) method of getting clean. No, I’m not talking about the Waffen SS, all though I’m sure they were a hygienic bunch as well.

No, instead I’m talking about a concept that my doctor (an ex-submarine crew member) explained to me, and that I gave a phony-baloney name to sound shrewd. The SS method of showering follows the notion that people, as a general rule, are not nearly as dirty as they think they are. Simply washing a few key areas of the body each day is often more than enough to stay clean, and not smell like a sweat soaked nerd. Submarine crews are often quite large, and the faster a crew member is able to clean themselves, the faster the next person can use the shower.

Instead of scrubbing every inch of your body every time you take a shower, I propose  that, for days that you aren’t exerting yourself, you wash the following areas: your hair, your armpits, your groin, and your ass. If you just spent the day mountain biking, or spent an evening in a dumpy bar, then by all means give yourself the full body scrub treatment.

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Over the last 10 years, I’ve noticed that North American society has developed a near obsession with combating germs and “staying clean”. Whatever the reason, I believe that frequent full body washes are pointless, time-consuming, and expensive. The money you save on buying so much soap could be used towards far more useful things, like importing your own howler monkey. The possibilities are endless.

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Chad

I'm a co-founder and writer here at Unfinished Man. I write, manage the look and feel of the website, and make sure that nothing breaks. I also reply to the vast majority of our emails, so if you're sending one through, I suggest you be nice. Everyone says I'm the least offensive of our writers, so they gave the email jockey task to me. When I'm not improving the site, I write about fashion, video games, politics, and anything related to science and technology.

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