The unfinished man is always looking for the classiest way to deal with everything life throws at him; sometimes, life throws you seven too many beers and a lovely (or not) lady for overnight company. Having a one night stand is in no way shameful, but the reality of the situation is that sometimes you’re going to feel a bit awkward, and sometimes, you’re going to bag a clingy girl. So how do you smooth the transition from wild night of drunken passion to happily never after without being a gigantic douche? Outside of the fact that it’s just the right thing to do, you’ve got a life and sexual interludes should spice it up, not weigh it down. In most cases, you probably picked up an awesome chick who had the exact same intentions as you. In that case, this guide is perfect for making sure she remembers you as the finished gentleman; if you happen to wake up to a stage five clinger, here’s a set of steps that will have her off your back (or wherever) without the need for being a jerk.
Set a Goal
Wait, what- It’s not life planning, amirite? But realistically, know what you want for the day. Outside of the fact that you need her out sooner or later, decide on a general time that you’re aiming to have everything wrapped up by. You don’t need a sense of urgency, but you do want to have a firm timeline to use these steps within. If you’re not cognizant of the time, it’s really easy to let it slip away while you pretend to drool in your sleep hoping she’ll get up and leave on her own.
Go For Seconds
You have a chick who obviously wanted at some point to sleep with you in your bed. If she hopped on board because she was looking to get laid, she might only want to hang around because she’s hoping to tie one on for the road. If you’ve got the time and being a gentleman leads to another round, there are definitely worse things. Wake her up by brushing her hair back from her face or resting your hands lightly on her shoulder or hip (try not to be the creepy sleepy grabber- she doesn’t know you, remember? Waking up in someone else’s bed can be startling enough); if she rolls towards you, you’ll know pretty quickly how she feels about morning sex. Remember that she’s likely worried about morning breath and messy hair and smudged makeup and the harsh, truthful illumination of the sun. Even a subtle cue that shows you’re still interested will make her feel like she’s not a beast, so even if there’s no sex a few bricks will have already crumbled from the great wall of awkward. (If she is a troll, she still deserves respect- and you need to stop drinking.)
Grab a Drink
If she’s snuggling into your pillow and rolling around in your shirts, it might be a sign that she’s looking to hang around for a while. Getting up to get a drink for yourself and her helps diffuse this in a couple of ways. If you’re the first up and moving around, you’re the first to leave the safety of the sheets; that helps to break the ‘let’s spend all day in bed vibe’ while you’re also doing something nice for her- being a good host means she won’t bad mouth you later. A glass of water or coffee gives her a second alone to regroup and will help her to wake up fully- so that won’t be an excuse later on.
Take a Shower
At this point, you should have a pretty good idea if she’s planning on robbing you blind or stealing your organs, so you’re just going to have to be comfortable leaving her alone for a bit. Ask her politely if she needs to be anywhere and let her know you’d like to take a quick shower- she might take the hint and let you know she has to leave right then. If not, you’ve taken care to check on her plans, and you’re giving her the ten minutes or so she needs to try to get her underwear off the ceiling fan and to perform her womanly morning voodoo without the pressure of you watching. As you turn to head to the bathroom, try something like: “It won’t take me too long, but I’ll get out of your hair so you can get dressed; would you like me to leave a facecloth/handtowel/wet nap/horse trough out for you?” You’re letting her know you won’t leave her alone too long (because it’s impolite, but it also means ‘don’t snoop too much or I’ll catch you’), that you’re expecting her to get dressed (because you’re awesomely considerate to give her privacy, and to let her know that you want to get moving), and that you’re willing to help her get ready to go out for the day…outside…not in your house.
Ask About Travel Plans
Once you’re out of the shower, tell her that you’re going to need to get on the road soon and ask her where she needs to go for the day. Not a “hey, I’m leaving so hit the road, bitch” but something more along the lines of “I’m going to be heading out in a bit; is there anywhere I can drive you this morning?” If you don’t have a car, then tell her you’re walking to the bus stop and you can help her figure out where she’s going. If she declines and says she’ll walk, offer to walk with her at least to the corner or so. You’re being polite and helpful, you’re keeping control of your timeline, and you’re making sure that she doesn’t leave feeling ignored or used. It’s a win all around, leaves you up and ready for the day with a spring in your step, and leaves her with an impression of you that won’t have her broadcasting to the world that you’re an asshole.