The Classiest Halloween Costumes – Men’s Edition

When I started writing this article, I intended to create a list of the crappiest men’s Halloween costumes that I could find, and that really wasn’t very difficult; the internet is full of them. You need look no further than HalloweenExpress to find a slew of costumes featuring men with sad mustaches licking lolly pops, and people called Gabba Gabba… Lance… rock – whatever that even means.

Instead of boring you with more of the same, I’ve decided to show you a collection of the “classiest” costumes the internet has to offer. All of these are men’s costumes, but many of them feature women, farm animals, and other assorted accessories that are probably better left to the imagination of furries and 4chan readers.

Ohhhh Halloween

Starting at the top… I realized early on that most of the models showing off these costumes sport douche-bag names, such as Chad or Brad. I can’t quite make out the caption of the petting zoo, but I think it says something like “Llama spits”. What man wants to imply that his penis is like a llama? Llamas are such angry smelly creatures.

bad vampire halloween costume

This woman is… down for the count, GET IT??? One man getting sucked off by a midget while a very erect camp leader watches satisfied. Editor’s note: The Count is based on one of our very own writers; can you guess who?

bad rub me genie lamp costume

I’m not sure what’s worse, a frat boy requesting people rub his “lamp”, or a man banging a sheep while wearing shoes he stole from the set of Romper Stomper.

bad fireman costume

Looks like the Sperm Bank is running low… he must have used the jizz from his compadre’s “fire hose” to create his authentic Guido hairstyle. Fill ‘er up!

bad ring toss costume

I’ve looked at this dozens of times and I still can’t quite figure out what’s wrong with the woman’s legs and arms. I think the ring toss guy agrees with me as well – he seems to be getting a bit limp there.




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Chad is the co-founder of Unfinished Man, a leading men's lifestyle site. He provides straightforward advice on fashion, tech, and relationships based on his own experiences and product tests. Chad's relaxed flair makes him the site's accessible expert for savvy young professionals seeking trustworthy recommendations on living well.

10 comments on “The Classiest Halloween Costumes – Men’s Edition”

    • Hey J,

      Thanks for taking the time to read my article and reply. I do have a question, though. Do you genuinely believe that I wrote this post in a serious and non-sarcastic manner? Do you truly believe that I actually find these costumes “classy”? Is it not possible that perhaps I’m merely highlighting how absolutely absurd many of the costumes on the market are?

      Something to think about.

    • You’re partially right, this IS a blog and is opinion based. If you want stories/news with no opinions, maybe you should visit the good folks at FOX News, I hear they’re great 😉

    • Anthony, I think you are the best troll ever; clearly you wrote this comment to paint the view of your opinions as something to be wished for and agreed with. A lot of thought went into this rebuttal and I’m certainly amused by it; I bet you think we’re too stupid to appreciate the subtle nuances of your humour, but I’m here to tell you at least one of us got it, ok?
      a completely slanted contributor,

  1. The best Halloween costume that I can think of is dressing like the inside of a closet, that way all other costumes are gay! or a skeleton, making Halloween fun again!


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