I decided not to actually arrange these from “elegant to erotic”, so please forgive the title’s minor false advertising; I promise I’ll make it up to you. These are a collection of letter openers that I haven’t actually bought (or even intend to purchase) but that seem pretty damn cool. If I actually opened letters, I would probably buy one of these.
When I started writing this article I figured I would find a lot of weird crap, and I did, but I would be lying if I said I expected to find a letter opener of a woman spreading her legs. It’s supposed to be considered erotic, but honestly… who wants a woman whose pussy is so sharp it can slice paper?
This is a letter opener that resembles an egg with a slit in it, which is similar to how I prepare non-metallic eggs for snack-time. It’s a delicious way to eat eggs, actually. You boil the egg, make a slit in it, fill it with butter… and then eat: marvelous!
Honestly though, this thing seems pretty neat. I’m guessing it has a bit of weight to it as well, and if you were fighting off a robber in your kitchen and didn’t have access to a knife, this would be perfect.
Created by Bauermann and Schwammekrug, these letters openers are awesome because Germans made them, and Germans always make great stuff. If you need a letter opener and happen to be in the javelin business, these fine blade are perfect for skewering people AND letters.
This Georg Jensen letter opener is a multi-function device which can be used for not only opening letters, but also eating your yogurt while you listen to your boss drivel on about sales in the latest meeting you’ve found yourself stuck in.
For those of you trained in the art of knife throwing, this letter opener also serves as a perfectly balanced throwing blade for those close calls in the office.
Zeus is no longer worshiped as a god, but his legacy marches ever onward with this tacky golden letter opener. Perfect for the mid-level manager with a superiority complex, this golden beauty will satisfy those with the most sophisticated tastes.