Computer Trouble? You Probably did Something Stupid

So while many of you know me as an illustrious blog writer, I have to do something to pay my bills. So day in and day out I go to my office, brew a pot of coffee, and fix stupid. You see, I work in I.T., an equally illustrious field to blog writing. Each day, I fix the new and exciting ways people break their computers, and each night I go home and pound mixed drinks. So, when I get that phone call from my friend, my third cousin, or that girl who remembers me from freshman year, I literally want to kill myself. “Well that’s pretty harsh!” You might say. Well guess what. Fuck you!

I have been honing my skills for years, constantly challenged by the ever growing number of people who respond to free ipod adverts. I’ve spent hours, trying to figure out why anyone would think a Nigerian prince would be in need of financial assistance from an American. Christ’s sake we carry on average $47,000 in credit card debt. So, all day I deal with this, and I’m compensated for it. It’s not the best wage, but it’s a good one. So when you call me for free work on the few off hours I have to offload a days worth of stupid, I get cranky.

Now let me put this out front. It’s not because I think you are stupid. No, I can understand there are certain things outside of your immediate knowledge or control. No, I get cranky because you want me to spend the next 2 hours with you on the phone… for free. The only people who get free support from me are my grandparents, anyone else is getting a $60-hour invoice.

How NOT to Ruin your Computer

Don’t want that invoice? Well then how about you take care of your computer for a change. Here, have some condescending tips.

  • Stop torrenting movies and music. Yes there is a safe way to do it. No I won’t tell you how. Please stop asking.
  • I know the urge is strong, but you don’t have to respond to every invite to a new facebook app. Some of them are bad.
  • No, I get it. I too thought was a legitimate website!

Lastly, no your computer doesn’t just “Do things.” You tell your computer to do things. I trust your computer more than I trust you. It does what it’s told and doesn’t lie to my face about your weird porn surfing habits.* Believe me folks, I’ve heard it all, and most of your troubles can be avoided with just a bit of common sense.

If you persist in this kind of behavior at least have a go at cleaning up your mess before you call me about it. There are a lot of software options out there that can use to clean up your computer, so give one of these a go before you waste my time.

*Yes, I can see the porn you look at when you bring me your computer

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Scott brings philosophical insights and witty wordplay to his writing for Unfinished Man. With wide-ranging interests from bikes to beers, he explores the novelty in everyday life. Scott aims to both inform and entertain readers with his perspectives on culture, technology, and the pursuit of living well.

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