I almost didn’t make it through typing the title of this article, because I got distracted by “I like my women like I like my five minute fudge” jokes. If you’re laughing as hard as I am, congratulations, you’re an insensitive asshole! As such, you likely effed up on this whole Christmas thing and have a day to come up with something thoughtful that doesn’t involve mall fistfights and empty bank accounts. Even if you aren’t, it stands to reason that there are a lot of you in this situation. What if I told you you could make exceptionally thoughtful, super impressive delicious homemade fudge from two ingredients in five minutes? While drinking a beer?! This, dear friends, is a completely plausible Christmas miracle. Five minute fudge is even darker and sweeter and easier than… Well, easier than staying focused, anyhow.
Five Minute Fudge: Cheap, Fast, and Easy – Because Even Finished Men Need to Fudge It
That picture up above shows everything you need, and is actually the overachiever’s version. The absolute essentials are:
- semi sweet baking chocolate. Make sure that you get semi sweet, or else your teeth will rot out of your head before it’s even finished setting. In general, the beauty of this recipe is that you don’t need to measure, ever. Whatever size the standard package is, roll with that.
- a can of ready made frosting. If you get white chocolate, try a white frosting. If you get milk or dark, get the corresponding frosting. I guess you could mix and match, but then your fudge is going to look like baby poop.
- a bowl to melt the chocolate in. I recommend a metal one, with a pot, to make a double boiler. I’ll explain, so don’t panic.
- a spatula. You need to scrape the side of your bowl and spread your fudge. If you don’t have one of these, for god’s sake get one; you’re a man, not an ape.
- something to set your fudge on or in. Could be a pan, could be a plate, could be a sheet of wax paper. We’re pretty easy on the details.
Grab a beer, fire up a game or a video and put your pot on to boil; there should be enough water to just touch the bottom of the metal bowl you’re putting on top. If you choose the one bowl method and are going to microwave your chocolate, do it at half power for about 30 seconds at a time, and stir like a crazy in between. Burned chocolate is the creation of a vengeful god who wants you to suffer. I really recommend the double boiler thing, because it’s very hard to mess it up. Put your water on to boil; once it’s roiling, turn the heat down a bit and plunk the metal bowl down on top. Put the chocolate in the top bowl, and the heat melts your chocolate without burning.
You don’t really have to do anything. Swish your chocolate around so it melts evenly, and scrape the sides of the bowl. Everything will melt down in about two minutes or so. HEADS UP: Don’t let water get in your chocolate. If you do, it will start to seize up. If you manage to murder your chocolate, put a DROP or two of cooking oil in. Crisis averted. Scrape most of the can of frosting into this delicious mess.
If you don’t put it all in, oh well. I saved some because I have an inner fat kid who likes to lick the spoon. Grease your pan (butter on a paper towel works) or set up your waxed paper, and have it handy. If you are a fancy pants over achiever, you can add flavoring oil, nuts, candy pieces or whatever here- now that the frosting is in the chocolate, the properties that keep the frosting from becoming cement protects you from completely ruining anything you’ve done correctly. Slam the rest of your beer, stir this until it’s reasonably smooth, and take the bowl off the heat. Smush it around until it looks… well, whatever you want your fudge to look like. Top with… nothing, everything: cookie bits, pretzels, coarse salt, candy canes, sprinkles, bacon bits (seriously!)
If the pan thing is freaking you out, wax paper or saran wrap on a plate will work just fine. You have to have at least one of these things already at your disposal (we hope.) You can skip the greasing step if you’re not using a pan, but either way, pop this in the fridge until cooled. You can take this time to meditate on the supremacy of your favorite console, to whittle a scale model of the Louvre, or to pound out some sick heavy reps brah. If you’re too damn lazy to even cut the stuff, break it like brittle and call it artsy. This stuff always tastes amazing, and the actual prep time is only around five minutes. If you’re freaking out and need something thoughtful, or know that handmade will score you some extra points, try making five minute fudge. You’ll look like a sensitive, well rounded stud, and that is never a bad thing- especially if you can pull it off in less time than it takes to chill a beer.
** THIS ARTICLE WAS UPDATED ON 1-4-2018