Being male means different things to different people, but there are a few common areas that I think we can agree on. All of us can pee standing up, which is pretty damn awesome. We’ve also got a lot more testosterone flowing through our bodies, which means we’ve generally got an advantage in the strength and speed department over our female counterparts. That’s not too bad either… but that extra testosterone does come with a high cost: male pattern baldness.
You’ve all heard of it, and chances are your feelings towards it fall into one of two categories: you either embrace it like our good friend Captain Picard did for so many years, or you’re ashamed by it but unwilling to part with it… instead opting to
spend thousands on hideous hair pieces, creams, pills, lasers… transplants… you name it. If you ask me, they all look like garbage, and so I’m here to present you with another option. An option for those of you with what I like to call horseshoe hair. You’ve still got some of your hair going on, and you’re clinging to it, ever so desperately, in the hope that, well… I can’t even imagine.
Horseshoe Hair, the Sad Truth
I’m sorry, friend, but you’ve been dealt a bad hand. Through a mix of your genetics and that testosterone we love so very much, you’re starting to lose your hair. In fact, maybe you’ve already lost it, but not all of it… just that area on the top, leaving a perfectly formed ring around your head: horseshoe hair.
But I mean, really… it’s not that bad, right? As men get older, they just look more distinguished, like gentlemen… right? You know, with gray hair, right? RIGHT??!?
Sadly, no… you look awful, and your friends are just embarrassed to tell you so. No woman is going to run her hands through your thinning hair and go, “Oh baby, your horseshoe hair makes me soooo wet!. It’s just not going to happen. You don’t look distinguished, it doesn’t look good, and it’s time to accept the reality that you’ll need to make a few changes in your life, namely to your grooming habits.
Kill it with Fire! (or a razor)
This is going to be tough, like finally having to give up your favorite hoodie, well worn… patched over and over; more patches now than hoodie. Everything has its time, and your hair is no exception. It’s time to say your goodbyes, reflect lovingly on all the years you had of beautiful, long, flowing hair, and then shave it off with a vengeance.
And you know what? It’s all going to be okay. Some of the coolest people in the world made the same hard decision that you just did. People like Bruce Willis, Stanley Tucci, and yes, even fictional characters like my good friend Agent 47.
They all embraced a buzzed (or shaved) head, and they turned out just fine. In fact, they turned out better than fine, like a caterpillar coming out of its hair cocoon as a beautiful hairless butterfly. After all, some things are just better hairless, am I right?