Being male means different things to different people, but there are a few common areas that I think we can agree on. All of us can pee standing up, which is pretty damn awesome. We’ve also got a lot more testosterone flowing through our bodies, which means we’ve generally got an advantage in the strength and speed department over our female counterparts. That’s not to bad either… but that extra testosterone does come with a high cost: male pattern baldness.
You’ve all heard of it, and chances are your feelings towards it fall into one of two categories: you either embrace it like our good friend Captain Picard did for so many years, or you’re ashamed by it, but unwilling to part with it… instead opting to spend thousands on hideous hair pieces, creams, pills, lasers… transplants… you name it. If you ask me, they all look like garbage, and so I’m here to present you with another option. An option for those of you with what I like to call horseshoe hair. You’ve still got some of your hair going on, and you’re clinging to it, ever so desperately in the hope that, well… I can’t even imagine.
Horseshoe Hair, the Sad Truth
I’m sorry, friend, but you’ve been dealt a bad hand. Through a mix of your genetics and that testosterone we love so very much, you’re starting to lose your hair. In fact, maybe you’ve already lost it, but not all of it… just that area on the top, leaving a perfectly formed ring around your head: horseshoe hair.
So sexy.
But I mean, really… it’s not that bad, right? As men get older, they just look more distinguished, like gentleman… right? You know, with gray hair, right? RIGHT??!?
Sir Christopher Hatton. I have a pretty good idea why he’s wearing a hat…
Sadly, no… you look awful, and your friends are just embarrassed to tell you so. No woman is going to run her hands through your thinning hair and go “oh baby, your horseshoe hair makes me soooo wet!”. It’s just not going to happen. You don’t look distinguished, it doesn’t look good, and it’s time to accept the reality that you’ll need to make a few changes in your life, namely to your grooming habits.
Kill it with Fire! (or a razor)
This is going to be tough, like finally having to give up your favorite hoodie, well worn… patched over and over, more patches now than hoodie. Everything has its time, and your hair is no exception. It’s time to say your goodbyes, reflect lovingly on all the years you had of beatiful long, flowing hair, and then shave it off with a vengeance.
And you know what? It’s all going to be okay. Some of the coolest people in the world made the same hard decision that you just did. People like Bruce Willis, Stanley Tucci, and yes, even fictional characters like my good friend Agent 47.
Ignore the scratch… minor shaving accident.
They all embraced a buzzed (or shaved) head, and they turned out just fine. In fact, they turned out better than fine, like a catterpillar coming out of it’s hair cocoon as a beatiful hairless butterfly. After all, some things are just better hairless, am I right?
(Photos by Unknown, Unknown, Unknown, Lisby, Mike Babcock, and IO Interactive)
6 Comments
Thanks for the info. I have enough hair to cover over receding top area but it has become more difficult and time consuming. I considered transplant but too expensive. Now your article encouraged me to shave at some time in my future, thanks.
You’re welcome, and for what it’s worth as a random stranger on the internet, I think you’ll find it’s a change for the better. I didn’t write this article to slam people who are losing their hair (it’s not a choice, sadly), but instead to encourage them to make the best of it. As I said, there are plenty of badass people with shaved or really close cropped hair. You’ll be no different.
I think most bald dudes who are circulating in society have recognized that there is a category of women who are attracted to bald dudes. I am such a dude. It was surprising to me at first but it’s just a thing now. Some women aren’t into it and thats ok because I’m not into all women.
There’s more to being a cool bald dude though. You have to brood a little. You have to develop an intense stare. You gotta fix that voice man so it thunders like Patrick Stewart’s. And you have to move slowly, deliberately, majestically like a Greek god. Even if you are a fat bald dude, you have to have style, taste and when you crack wise, it has to pierce the funny bone like a movie about a divorced gay couple in a child custody battle.
You gotta get some decent clothes and have a fresh scent, stay well manicured and read a little Aristotle. Start a company, drive a motorcycle, write a screenplay.
It’s better too if occasionally you go undercover, you know, for no good reason than just because. I mean get a friggin disguise dude (or better a few disguises) and ride your motorcycle to the Safeway to pick up some green chili peppers for bodacious chicken enchiladas. And if your neighbors see you coming and going, all the better because hey, that’s just different dudes who have miscellaneous serious business that can’t be discussed which doesn’t mean the progress your rosemary bush is making shouldn’t be remarked upon every couple weeks.
Anyway, I digress. The truth of the matter is, if you want to keep your horseshoe hair, that’s cool too. But you gotta own it bro. You gotta be so internally independent and focused that everything in your life is just a clue to how massively cool you are underneath all that surface level stuff. You can’t carry that and be a jagoff at the same time. This has to be like if the Renaissance was returning to the present in one person, i.e., you. If you have that internal discipline, then nothing will be impossible to you. Nothing.
Peace.
Michael, this might just be the best comment anyone has ever left here. I agree, and with one point above all else… whatever you do, you have to own it.
Marry me.
Michael,
That’s gotta be the coolest comment I read on Internet. You Own.
Peace
Rohit