There’s a point in every man’s life when they realize their youth is behind them. On the amateur soccer field, it’s an obvious moment – you fall flat on your behind after being skinned by a young whippersnapper on the wings.
You have to make a stark choice.
Do you quit the game now and settle for a beer belly and a life of Sky Sports all weekend? Or do you pass on your enormous wealth of knowledge to youngsters? If you have an ounce of pride left in you, you will plump for the former. But if you want a life of ridicule and frustration, then become a coach and get schooled by the kids. Here’s what you need to get started.
Skill and fitness
Look, if you can’t kick a ball, then you are going to get laughed off the pitch on your first training session. And yes, that includes the Under 7s teams. You have to have a knowledge of the game and its tactics. But if you want to be taken seriously as a coach – and you will – it’s imperative to be able to demonstrate what is needed. And that means keeping fit, too. That said, try to avoid any Mr Sugden antics. For obvious reasons.
Badges
No, not your old Blue Peter badge you got for meeting Peter Shilton in 1987. We’re talking proper, qualified badges from the FA. Your starting point is the Level 1 Coaching Badge. It isn’t challenging, but it will be a lot of fun, and you’ll be able to pass on your new knowledge to the kids. You can progress as far as you want until you reach the UEFA A License. And then, of course, you’ll be able to manage and coach a professional team. Which is likely, of course.
A bag of tricks
The most basic element of your bag of tricks will be balls. Lots of them. You will lose all of them at some point in your first quarter of a season, so build up a relationship with your sports equipment shop. You’ll also need a kit, which will stay in the bag all season without being washed, of course. And, you will have to invest in the mythical magic sponge to cure all ailments that occur on the pitch. The trouble is; they don’t exist. So look into some physio ice packs instead, because they are real, and actually work. Oh, and we almost forgot about the halftime oranges. You won’t stand a chance of winning the second half if you don’t have them. Just be careful what you lace them with, as child protection can be a bit funny about things like that.
Help
This is not a one-man job, as you will realise after your first week. So, get yourself a right-hand man to back you up when the kids start to kick off at your poor training methods. You will see yourself as a modern day version of Clough and Taylor. They will see you as the Chuckle Brothers. But when they are older, they will recall you with fond memories, and may even embark on a soccer management journey just like you did. And that, folks, is what it’s all about.
