Hitman: Absolution – Completely True Spoilers

Let me start off by saying that none of the following ideas are actually spoilers. In reality, they’re just my predictions for what’s going on in Hitman: Absolution, as IO Interactive has been rather mum about the whole thing. What that means is that if my predictions do come true, which I expect they will, then they will indeed be spoilers in the future.

Now, let’s start with what we know. We know that Absolution begins with Agent 47 creeping into Diana’s house, his former handler, and killing her. We even know that she makes him promise to go find some girl, for some reason that isn’t really explained. This is where the mystery begins. If Agent 47 is willing to kill his only friend, why would he be gracious enough to help her find some stupid girl? In fact, why did he agree to kill Diana at all? There’s something that just doesn’t add up, and I have a few theories of why that might be.

Hitman: Absolution “Spoilers”

  • This mysterious girl is actually the daughter of Diana. Not only that, but Agent 47 is actually the father! You see, when Agent 47 first joined the agency, Diana, desperate for a child, secretly stole some of Agent 47s essence and impregnated herself. Months later her daughter Diano was born, with the same killer tendencies that make Agent 47 such an effective hitman. Because of that, Diana had to put her daughter into the orphanage we see in the trailers. When Agent 47 went to kill Diana, she told him, and he agreed to Diana’s last two dying wishes, one of which was to save their daughter. The other one, well… it involved Agent 47s signature move, “the silver baller”.
  • After the events of Blood Money, Agent 47 and Diana got married. They went on a honeymoon, and during that time Diana got a face-lift; this explains why she looks so young in the trailers. It’s simple medical science, okay? Anyway, one day while lounging on the beach, Agent 47 – being the ever frisky and completely non-asexual type he is – got Diana pregnant. Because of his genetically modified dna and stuff, she had a child almost immediately. More importantly to the plot, the child grew quickly, but was mentally stunted. They sent her to the orphanage where she chilled for a while, but years of bickering had finally weakened Agent 47 and Diana’s relationship to the point of collapse. At the end, Agent 47 dealt with it in the only way he knew… by giving Diana the ol’ silver baller one last time, and then helping her fake her own death.
  • Agent 47 is actually the girls mother! We’ve never had a clear indication that he’s truly a man, and given his strange genetic make-up, there’s a very real possibility that he is a she. Much like the T1000 in Terminator 2, Agent 47 is able to copy the form of other people, but with a twist… he can only pass that form onto his offspring. Diana, being his best friend and lover, was his first choice. He gave birth to Diano, but given his constant life on the road, he decided to send her to the orphanage. Absolutely no one questioned this at all, least of all the orphanage.

All of these highly plausible theories explain who the girl is, and why Agent 47 is trying to save her, but one mystery still remains… who are these people trying to kill her? What type of person would want to kill a poor, mentally stunted child and or teenager and or adult like Diano? I haven’t yet discovered the source of this great mystery, but I promise to return with more spoilers (read: absolute, grandiose fabrications) in short order.

Hitman's Diana wearing a black hat
Agent 47 looking mean

If you have any information that could help fill in the blanks, please leave a comment below.

(Images: KorraFox, Bayko, RedWolf66)

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Chad

Chad is the co-founder of Unfinished Man, a leading men's lifestyle site. He provides straightforward advice on fashion, tech, and relationships based on his own experiences and product tests. Chad's relaxed flair makes him the site's accessible expert for savvy young professionals seeking trustworthy recommendations on living well.

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