Becoming A Better Listener – Seeing Past Your Own Sad Stories

If you haven’t heard the song, Patrick Park’s Here We Are has a great line that warns “we can’t see past our own sad stories..And forget how to listen”.  This is a powerful sentiment worth extending out to all of you online dating enthusiasts looking for ways to improve your experience.

Many of us have a hard time truly slowing down and listening to what the woman we are pursuing is really talking about.  It’s easy to zone out, let your eyes wander to the ticker at the bottom of Sportscenter or even focus on what you’re going to say next.  If you really want to impress your date, you should get better at just listening.  That’s the obvious Relating to Women 101 point.  The not so obvious Actively Listening For Dudes 202 focus is enhancing how we’re listening.

When a woman tells you a story about something that happened to her, a natural human instinct is to express empathy by sharing your own similar story.  For example, a woman may tell you that she had a tough day because her co-worker has been giving her a hard time.  Your knee-jerk response may be to tell her a story about a run in that you had with one of your co-workers and perhaps offer advice in how you resolved your conflict.  You may even think you’re helping.  This is not what women want.

Women want you to listen and relate.  They don’t want to hear about your experience and don’t want you to try to fix their problem.  They simply want you to listen and ask questions about what’s going on to sympathize with their situation.  Our tendency to offer empathy by telling our own stories really doesn’t help and shifts the spotlight away from her.  Who cares that you had a similar situation?  She doesn’t.  She’s looking for you to be man who is genuinely interested and will make her feel supported.  I know, it sounds pretty soft but part of being en empowered finished man is to be a conqueror in your life but a sounding board when challenges arise for her.

I’ve interviewed loads of women as I’ve developed My Online Dating Consultant and the quality that women say they value the most from their man is that he makes her feel supported and safe.  Learning how to actively listen is an easy way to check both of those boxes with one fell swoop.  Do it and differentiate yourself from the masses of clowns out there that aren’t clued in like you.




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I work as a full time hair stylist but love writing about life. I hope to become a full time writer one day and spend all my time sharing my experience with you!

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