Ever feel a little lost in the bedroom, like you’re not sure what truly gets you going? It’s a common feeling. The good news is that learning how to figure out what you like sexually is an exciting journey of self-discovery, not a test you have to pass.
This guide will walk you through five simple, judgment-free steps to explore your desires. Let’s get started.
Key Takeaways
Look back at your past sexual experiences, both good and bad, to find clues about your turn-ons and turn-offs.
Experiment by yourself through masturbation to learn about your body’s responses without any pressure.
Recognize and challenge societal pressures and shame around sex to build a more open, judgment-free mindset.
Use resources like ethical porn, audio erotica from apps like Dipsea, and sex journaling to get new ideas and track your preferences.
Practice clear communication with partners about your desires, using tools like safe words and planning for aftercare.
Table of Contents
Understanding Personal Desires
Let’s talk about what you truly desire. The first step in this journey is turning your attention inward to figure out what genuinely excites you. This process is all about curiosity, not criticism.
Reflect on Your Past Experiences
Think back on your past encounters, both the amazing ones and the ones that fell flat. What details made a moment great? Maybe it was a specific touch, a certain location, or the emotional connection you felt.
A 2022 study from the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found a direct link between “sexual self-awareness” and higher sexual satisfaction. This data shows that taking the time to understand yourself pays off.
Pro Tip: Use a simple journaling method to organize your thoughts. For a past experience, write down “What happened?”, “So what did I feel?”, and “Now what do I want to try next?”. This helps turn memories into actionable insights.
These reflections are a goldmine of information. They give you a starting point for communicating what you want to future partners. And if you’re exploring sex for the first time, that’s perfectly fine. Your journey is just beginning, and you get to write the first chapter.
Experiment on Your Own
After reflecting on the past, it’s time for some hands-on research. Solo experimentation, or masturbation, is one of the best ways to discover what you like without any pressure or expectations.
Find a private, comfortable space and give yourself permission to explore. Try different types of touch, vary the speed and pressure, and pay close attention to what your body tells you. Let your mind wander to different fantasies.
You can also introduce tools to help your exploration. Websites like OMGYes offer research-based techniques and insights into pleasure. If you’re curious about toys, beginner-friendly options from brands like Dame or We-Vibe can open up new sensations.
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. – Arthur C. Clarke
This quote applies to sexual exploration, too. Push your boundaries in a safe way. Self-exploration is a personal journey, so enjoy the process of getting to know yourself better.
Addressing Stigma and Shame
Let’s talk about the biggest roadblock to sexual self-discovery: shame. This heavy feeling can prevent you from exploring your desires and enjoying the pleasure you deserve. The key is to recognize where it comes from and build a mindset that values your well-being.
Identify Societal Influences
From a young age, society sends us messages about what sex “should” be. These ideas come from media, family, religion, and friends. They often create unrealistic expectations or make us feel ashamed of anything that falls outside a narrow definition of “normal.”
In her groundbreaking book “Come as You Are,” sex educator Emily Nagoski explains how our brains have sexual “accelerators” (things that turn us on) and “brakes” (things that turn us off). Shame, stress, and fear are powerful brakes. Recognizing this helps you see that your lack of desire isn’t a personal failing, it’s often your brakes being pushed too hard.
Once you start identifying these outside forces, you can begin to question them and decide for yourself what feels right. This is the first step toward building a healthier, more personal view of sex.
Develop a Judgment-Free Mindset
Once you’ve spotted those societal pressures, you can start to let them go. Developing a judgment-free mindset is about treating yourself with curiosity and kindness.
Start by simply noticing your thoughts and fantasies without labeling them as “good” or “bad.” Your desires are a valid part of who you are. Instead of judging yourself, ask questions like, “What about that idea is exciting to me?”
- Practice Self-Compassion: If a negative thought pops up, acknowledge it and gently remind yourself that exploration is healthy.
- Seek Out Positive Voices: Follow sex-positive educators and creators who celebrate diversity in desire.
- Explore Safely: If you’re interested in learning more about sexual role-play with your partner, approach it with an open and curious mind. There is no “right” way to be sexual.
What truly matters is that your experiences feel good, safe, and consensual. Be patient with yourself, as this is a process of unlearning and growth.
Leveraging Resources to Explore Sexual Preferences
You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. A whole world of resources can help you explore your sexual preferences, from books and films to podcasts and journaling.
Explore Erotica Books and Films
Media can be a fantastic way to spark your imagination and introduce you to new ideas in a low-pressure setting. The key is to choose resources that are empowering and diverse.
Instead of mainstream porn, which can be unrealistic, consider exploring ethical porn sites that focus on genuine pleasure for everyone involved. For a different vibe, audio erotica apps like Dipsea offer immersive stories that let your imagination do the work.
Podcasts are another great resource. Shows like “Sex with Emily” or Dan Savage’s “Savage Lovecast” offer advice and discussions on a huge range of topics. Books like “Your Blueprint for Pleasure” by Jaiya can also help you identify your specific erotic style. You can even explore specific interests with things like sex cams or niche erotica focusing on things like blowjob cams for live, interactive stimulation.
Practice Sex Journaling
A sex journal is a private space to have an honest conversation with yourself. It helps you connect the dots between your experiences, fantasies, and feelings, making it easier to understand and communicate your needs.
You don’t need to be a great writer. Just grab a notebook or use a digital app and let your thoughts flow. To get started, try using some specific prompts.
- What is a fantasy I’ve never shared with anyone? What about it appeals to me?
- When did I feel most confident and turned on recently? What were the circumstances?
- What is something I’m curious to try, and what are my fears or excitements about it?
Journaling helps you spot patterns in what you like and don’t like. The more you write, the clearer your personal sexual map becomes, empowering you to ask for what you truly want.
Enhancing Communication and Experimentation with a Partner
Once you have a better sense of your own desires, sharing them with a partner can deepen intimacy and make your sex life more exciting. This requires open communication, trust, and a shared sense of adventure.
Foster Open Dialogues
Talking about sex can feel vulnerable, but it’s the foundation of a great sexual relationship. Research from The Gottman Institute consistently shows that couples who communicate openly about their needs report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction.
Start these conversations outside the bedroom when you’re both relaxed. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without making your partner defensive. For instance, say “I feel really connected when we…” instead of “You should do this more.”
A helpful tool: Create a shared “Yes, No, Maybe” list. You can find templates online where you and your partner can privately check off activities you’re enthusiastic about (Yes), not interested in (No), or curious to explore (Maybe). Comparing lists can be a fun, low-pressure way to discover shared interests.
Regular check-ins keep the conversation going. The more you talk, the easier it becomes, turning awkwardness into a powerful tool for intimacy.
Discuss Safe Words and Aftercare
To create a space where you both feel safe enough to experiment, it’s crucial to establish clear boundaries and a plan for care. This is where safe words and aftercare come in.
A safe word is a pre-agreed-upon word that means “stop immediately, no questions asked.” A popular method is the traffic light system:
- Green: “I’m loving this, keep going!”
- Yellow: “I’m okay, but let’s slow down or ease up a bit.”
- Red: “Stop completely.”
Aftercare is just as important. It’s the process of reconnecting and ensuring you both feel good emotionally and physically after an intense or experimental sexual experience. It’s not just for kinky sex, it’s for everyone.
Aftercare can be as simple as cuddling, talking about the experience, getting a drink of water for each other, or putting on a favorite movie. It reinforces trust and shows that you care for each other’s well-being beyond the physical act.
People Also Ask
How can I explore my sexual fantasies without feeling ashamed?
Acknowledge that fantasies are normal and healthy. You can start by writing them down in a private journal to explore them without judgment. Remember, a fantasy is just a thought, and you are in complete control over whether you ever act on it.
Is it okay to use pornography or sex toys to discover what I like?
Absolutely. Ethical porn and quality sex toys are excellent tools for self-discovery. Just remember that porn is often a performance, not a realistic depiction of sex. For toys, consider starting with something simple, like a versatile wand vibrator, to learn what kind of stimulation you enjoy.
How important is masturbation in figuring out my sexual preferences?
It’s incredibly important. Masturbation is a pressure-free way to learn about your body’s responses, explore different erogenous zones, and understand what rhythms and sensations feel best to you. It’s your personal research lab for pleasure.
Should I talk to my partner about trying new things in bed?
Yes. Open communication is essential for a healthy sex life. Choose a relaxed moment outside of the bedroom to bring it up. You can frame it as a fun exploration you can do together, and use tools like a ‘Yes, No, Maybe’ list to make it less intimidating.
What if I’m interested in kinkier stuff like bondage or domination?
That’s perfectly fine. Many people enjoy BDSM and kink. Start with education from reputable sources to learn about safety, consent, and negotiation (often summarized as SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual). Online quizzes like the BDSM Test can be a fun way to see what roles or activities might interest you.
When should I consider seeing a sex therapist?
If you feel stuck, overwhelmed by shame, or are dealing with issues like pain during sex or a major desire discrepancy with a partner, a sex therapist can provide expert, non-judgmental guidance. You can find certified professionals through organizations like the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
