The Mistakes of the Metrosexual Man- Grooming Dos and Don’ts

You hear a lot about this magical creature, and it makes you wonder- are these guys flitting about like effeminate lady boys, or are they irresistible pinnacles of grooming and charm? The Metrosexual Man is becoming a bit of a buzzword with some pretty diverse connotations. So what is it that makes a Metrosexual Man? Are we ladies bodily flinging ourselves- or our panties- at them regularly? Here’s a handy list of the best qualities that the metrosexual lifestyle embodies, and some of the pitfalls that will drive away women faster than Tom Kristensen in a stolen Audi.

While we may like your strong, manly ways, that doesn’t mean a strong, manly odor or a strong, manly unibrow; while there are a lot of facets to the modern metrosexual, grooming is one of the most important. The Metrosexual Man is touted highly for rigorous attention to hygiene; but, as with any good thing, there’s always the potential for too much. How do you transcend from smelly, dirty caveman, to sexy, shiny god of manliness?

Hands and Nails: DO clean under your fingernails, keep them trimmed (please don’t claw us during sex, that’s our job), and try not to chew your cuticles ragged. We appreciate that you aren’t hanging on to three weeks worth of wings and cheezies under there, and we will notice. If you have horrifically rough hands from whatever manly rock hauling or lion hunting you do from day to day, a bit of moisturizer can go a long way. Don’t get too torqued out about it, though- there’s something primally sexy about running a calloused hand over soft, sensitive skin. DON’T get a MANicure. Fuck right off if you’re thinking about it. If I see even clear nail polish on your nails and your fabulous nail beds gleam in the sun, I’m not only going to worry about my own hands, you’re going to be sexually anathema to me. Instantly. This goes for your toenails too.

Hair and Styling: DO use a bit of product. If there’s a certain coif that you know looks smokin’ hot, go for it. A bit of effort will never go unappreciated. Try to keep your lines clean, curls tamed, and neck beards non-existent. Shaving is up to you- lots of chicks find facial hair attractive, but we all agree that a) it itches to hell and we’d rather have it gone for intimate sessions b) a lot of goatees look like bad pubic hair on your face. Take that as you will. DON’T blow me off because you have your regular weekly appointment at the salon, inspect the ends of my hair, or gossip like your stylist. If you have randomly dyed chunks of hair, or you’ve carefully straightened sections, STOP IT. I don’t want to date someone with better hair than me, and really, you don’t want to waste that precious time when you could be doing things like bench pressing a motorcycle or composing a sonnet about bacon or whatever it is you do.

Clothing: DO put effort into your wardrobe, and love what you wear. I can pick up on the fact that you put on the first thing you landed on when you rolled out of bed this morning. I will notice when your clothes don’t fit- in fact, I will notice this more than how expensive they are, or whether they are a brand name item. You can look fabulous on any budget, if you put just enough effort in to care about the way you look. A great tip is to build an outfit around one moderately to expensively priced item. A few well chosen staples that aren’t trendy will last much longer than inexpensive fads that you’ll be sick of in 20 seconds… 10 seconds less than the time it takes them to fall apart. DON’T be a clothes snob, and don’t wear a murse. If you carry your dog in your murse- oh, pardon me, European shoulder bag- wait right there. I just need to jump in my car and hit you repeatedly, and your little dog too. I don’t even have to go into the reasoning behind this. If you are wearing a bunch of pastel pieces liberally coated in logos, and you have an imported leather bag you’re happy to talk about with me, I’m going to be wishing I could throw up in it. If you’re overwhelmed and want to build a great wardrobe from scratch, check out our tips here.

Cologne: DO smell like something good! This is a wide open commandment. Maybe you use a great body wash, deodorant, or maybe you have a favorite scent. Rock that shit; we love a guy who smells good. Take care of your BO with regular showers, make sure your clothes are clean; with just a hint of cologne, a clean guy smells like heaven. (Heaven being something or somewhere we want to rub our faces all over, all the time.) Forget the Axe double pits to chesty, and apply moderately towards the sides of your neck. DON’T commit fragrancide! If you use a strong shampoo, a cologne infused soap, Old Spice bodywash, aftershave, and then a body spray or cologne, people are going to start passing out in your wake. This is not because they have fallen into a swoon over your perfect fingernails, glossy bangs, and European shoulder bag. Subtlety is key- it’s always a bonus to have a girl sniff around until her nose leads her to your neck. “Oh, that’s you that smells so good!” translates to “Target acquired- commence flirting.” Call me old fashioned, but one of my absolute favorites is Drakkar Noir. Something about that smell makes me want to nibble you.

Start with this and see how it works for you. The essence of metrosexual that you want to embody really boils down to giving a crap about yourself. Culturally, we’ve grown out of the age where men are brutish louts who have no need for the niceties of grooming and appearances. The theory behind the way a woman takes care of herself that has traditionally been seen as attractive can be applied in one way or another to men- but don’t over do it. Think of your journey through “metrosexuality” as what it really is: an extension of your confidence, and stick to the basics of what makes you feel good. Leave the spa appointments, girl jeans and lip gloss to your sister- you might be confident in your sexuality, but we sure as hell won’t be.




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Author, Designer, and "that girl your mother warned you about." Looking good seems to be my job, whether it's working with the site design, or a number of other more interesting capacities. I have a ridiculous sense of humour and a brutal sense of honesty- you'll see a lot of that coming through in my writing, so don't say I didn't warn you if I somehow manage to offend you AND hurt your feelings at the same time. On the plus side, it makes my dating and advice columns a lot more pertinent to an unfinished man in the real world.

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