I’m sure you’ve all seen recent inspirational videos. From the small child having his ability to hear repaired, to a double amputee running in the Olympics. Oh yes, these past few years have been an exciting time for medicine and humanity as a whole. Or has it?
You see, being a self-righteous nerd, I can’t help but take the fantasies I indulge in as something far too serious. This being the case, I find some of these advances disturbing.
Can you hear me now?
I’ve decided to start this out lightly with the dangers of super sound. Now I know we’ve all seen the video of the young boy hearing his father’s voice, or the wife crying as she is able to hear her husband. Both heart-warming moments, that are surely ploys to make you lower your guard. Yes, before you know it we’ll be filled with super hearing, super spies. Husbands will get implants to listen to their wives phone calls. No longer will children simply use an empty glass against the door, in an attempt to hear their older siblings talking with their friends. It’s a slippery slope ladies and gentlemen.
I never asked for this…
Next we’ll discuss the wonderful advances made in prosthetics, and the terrible future that entails. Just look at this guy, cracking eggs and everything!
Or perhaps you’ve all seen the image of the young woman who completed a prosthetic leg using Lego pieces, seen here…
A feat of ingenuity and simplicity to be sure, but I ask that you look at this problem from another angle. Might I ask, what is the most fearsome pain in the world? Childbirth is up there, but is limited in that it only affects half the population. Bullet wounds can leave scars, but has an even lesser reach that childbirth. Stepping on a Lego however, is a near universal pain. Just last week I managed to step on one in the dead of night, and we don’t even own Lego’s. Now imagine a pain worse than that. What, can’t imagine it? Well you’d better start, because it’s being stepped on by the jack booted Lego-legged techno thugs of the future.
If only you could see what I’ve seen with your eyes…
Lastly, those with poor eyesight or blindness and the variety of eye surgeries to restore it. As far as I’m concerned, Mother Nature made those of us with poor eyesight for a reason. Technical support.
Now hear me out! In order to work in IT, which I did for 5 years, you need a certain disposition. Namely, you need to be a psychopath. I mean it. Have you ever heard of adult entertainment? Sure you have. Now tell me, what is the weirdest thing you can think of? Well believe me, that isn’t even close to what I’ve seen on office computers.
The things I’ve had to see, to endure. I wasn’t cut out for it, and as a consequence now sport a mighty thirst for all things fermented. Luckily I got out. Could you imagine though, an IT manager with the ability to see without trifocals? I swear poor hand-eye coordination is the only thing holding these people back from a rampage. Remember Milton from Office Space? He’s the guy who set the fire. Now imagine what would have occurred if he had access to laser eye surgery or even just a good pair of glasses. That movie would have ended in the same way as Rambo 4.
Also, has anyone even considered the possibility that using lasers in eye surgery might result in the birth of a real life Cyclops? Come on you so called scientist, just think about it.