I don’t know that I can accurately portray how amazing I think these Predator motorcycle helmets are. Do you think someone would have the guts to get close to you in an unsafe fashion in traffic if you had one of these deadly helmets glaring back at them in their mirrors? Thinking about causing unbridled and sheer delight/horror in passing cars full of innocent children/mothers fills me with glee. This is one of those things that you see and immediately ask yourself… how the hell did no one ever think of this before?
Wear A Predator Motorcycle Helmet Cause You Ain’t Got Time To Bleed
Two paragraphs in, two quotes in; I’m feeling inspired. These phenomenal fiberglass, carbon fiber and polycarbonate helmets come with a removable visor and the three red targeting LEDS included for free! Now, I’m not condoning trying to laser your fellow motorists, since that seems awfully unsafe in the case of a device that has a primary objective of saving lives. But just imagine following a car that cut you off to a stop light and menacing them silently from just outside their peripheral vision. Just as they really start to squirm, and are starting to pray for the light to change… that all too familiar, all too terrifying three pronged light snaps into focus on the dash, and creeps slowly towards the wheel. Once they’ve finished crapping themselves they’re going to be desperate to get to da choppah. Sounds like clean, harmless fun to me!
The Predator motorcycle helmet starts at $750, which is steep, but not unreasonable for a high end helmet. (Top Gear fans and laymen alike may know of the Stig’s perennial signature helmet; it’s a Simpson Diamondback, which starts at around $600.) These quirky Russians obviously have craftsmanship chops… but maybe not so much skill in the translation department. As their website proudly states: “Remember this: your spaceship – is a bike; your weapon – a helmet. Just direct your laser on the nearest truck and then …boom! The road judgment will always be with you.”
Here are some amazing things you can add to your Predator motorcycle helmet because you have a ton of money and probably a desire to get arrested out on the roads:
- an actual laser aiming device- the three standard LEDS may glow, but this actually projects lasers onto terrain, and into fog and smoke
- graphics, scars, engravings and symbols for that down home “worshiping an alien war cult” look
- top level airbrushing because it just isn’t terrifying enough until it looks like a living breathing vagina faced Predator
- carbon dreadlock spearheads, so your dreads look properly lethal
- canines, so motorists around you can just imagine your face splitting into a horrifying slavering visage
- full carbon fiber shell because obviously you can improve on an advanced technological race’s armor design
Here’s a video with hilariously bad dubbing showing off a bunch of the styles of helmets:
Do you want to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies? Have them driven before you, hear the lamenta- wait… wrong Arnie movie. If you’re one ugly motherfucker, cover your shame with this ridiculously cool movie quality Predator motorcycle helmet- , or follow the for more images and shop talk. (Total terrible bad reference count: 4. Did I miss an obvious one? Shame me horribly in the comments.)