On the Hook: Worse Than the Friend Zone

Dear Gina, I’ve got a problem, and I think I need some advice. There’s this girl I love- we’ve tried dating but its never worked out. It was good but there were problems, and when I went back to NYC for the summer, she stayed in Buffalo where she’s from. The distance got to us, fights occurred a lot and we broke up. But we ended up talking, and almost trying to work out the problems; my stuff wasn’t the only thing keeping her from a relationship, life just handed her too many lemons. So we would kiss, hold hands in public, cuddle, no sex and it was ok, but there were still fights…Now we just decided maybe it won’t work. I don’t know what to do. Do I move on?

It’s hard to believe that there’s anything worse than being friend zoned by a woman you want to be with, but the sad reality is that there is an even worse state…and most men will experience it at least once in their lives. I was talking with one of the other unfinished men this week about being on the hook, and I decided it was time to shed some light on the whole crappy thing when one of our readers asked about a textbook example. Seeing his letter from outside the situation, you’re all thinking, “What the hell is this guy smoking?” but read on and find out that being kept on the hook is a lot more common- and emotionally damaging- than you may realize.

What’s being on the hook? No one’s making me do anything!

You’re right, no one will ever force you to do anything, which is for the best, because you’re completely capable of fucking up all on your own. The problem is, when you fall in love or lust, it’s pretty normal that your brain sort of shuts down regarding the person in question. You do stupid or unnecessary things for them, make an effort to be there for them and be near them, and generally make them one of the focal points in your life. None of this is a bad thing and is pretty normal in the course of a relationship, where both of you usually exhibit this goofy behaviour. Being on the hook means that when the relationship is over (or if it’s never even begun!) you’re already locked into this routine… and the other person knows it. This is the main difference between being on someone’s hook and getting friend zoned; I’ll extend a fishy little metaphor for you to underline what I mean.

In the friend zone you’re in the same aquarium as the girl you’re into. You swim around, hoping to bump into her, happy to be in proximity, do whatever you can for her; but goddammit, you just can’t get into her little castle. She’s waving at you from one of the little barred windows and sometimes she comes out to hang out with you, but mostly she has no idea that she’s completely inaccessible and looks at your interactions as that of a friend.

When you’re on the hook, you’re not just inside the same aquarium – you’re tethered right outside her little castle like one of those plastic divers is holding you there in a death grip. When she wants you, you’re there – when she doesn’t want you, you’re there. You get even less freedom than one of those dumb ass friend zone guppies, who at least gets to swim around and smash his face into the bowl to forget. When the other fish are ignoring her, or she doesn’t get enough food, or she gets fin rot, she comes down and you’re there to console her. When things start looking up again, or a bigger, manlier fish comes along, you’re left waiting while she swims off to get her swerve on.

Does this sound shitty? It really is. Being on someone’s hook means you’re wasting your time on someone who isn’t willing to put the time in to love you back. They may have at one point, or they may think that maybe some day they’ll be able to – but let’s be honest: they know that you’re pining for them, and that is a comforting feeling they’re not willing to let go of. Everyone loves to feel needed, and girls are happy to leave you hanging as a backup boyfriend and security blanket while they make their way in the world. A lot of the time you don’t realize that you’re on the hook, but once you do, it’s a pretty miserable place to be.

How do I know, and how do I fix it?

This is one of those things it’s best to trust both your gut and your bros on. While you’re obviously going to take a razzing from them, listen to your friends; are they constantly telling you that a girl is using you or that you’re whipped? If you’re hearing this sort of thing over and over, and you’re NOT dating her, bite the bullet and ask for their honest opinions. If you tell them you value you their views and need help, good friends will stop giving you shit and start giving you the truth. At the end of the day, if you feel like it’s a constant struggle, it’s hopeless, or you just feel used and abused, look at the entire relationship and think about timing. Have there been other men in her life? Good times and bad? School, work, or living arrangement changes? If you’re on the hook, it’s likely that whenever the going gets tough, you’re the go to guy. Trust that shitty feeling in the pit of your stomach, and realize you need to break free.

Once you’ve figured out where you stand, the last hurdle is to sever. It’s going to hurt like hell, but you have to do it; if you’re not fed up enough to sever all together (which you really should be doing – you’ve tried to date her and you’re not happy with the ‘friendship’) then you need to completely cut off any behavior that isn’t that of a casual friend. No more one on one time, no more running errands – think attending group functions where they are and having a brief hello conversation at the max. Sound harsh? This person’s been keeping you around for their benefit alone and is too focused on the support system you’ve created for them, rather than being adult enough to admit to you that there is no romantic future for you two. Whether or not you talk to the person is up to you, but I don’t recommend it. No one wants to feel like the bad guy, even if they kind of know they are, so you’re likely to get talked into “trying again.” Trust yourself enough to let go on your terms, and go console yourself with one of the many other fish in the sea.

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Gina

Author, Designer, and "that girl your mother warned you about." Looking good seems to be my job, whether it's working with the site design, or a number of other more interesting capacities. I have a ridiculous sense of humour and a brutal sense of honesty- you'll see a lot of that coming through in my writing, so don't say I didn't warn you if I somehow manage to offend you AND hurt your feelings at the same time. On the plus side, it makes my dating and advice columns a lot more pertinent to an unfinished man in the real world.

16 comments on “On the Hook: Worse Than the Friend Zone”

  1. Yup! I just got out too! I’ve been feeling guilty about it because I told her I wasn’t going to go out with her anymore and I was distancing myself. As much as it hurts it would of hurt more when the time came that she hooked up with another guy and then used me as a security blanket when things didn’t go well with her BF…

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  2. Wow – this article has really opened my eyes and made me realize that the guy I reallllly like is actually keeping me on his hook. I mean, everything that is being said in this article is happening right now to me and him (or, from him???) and we’ve also tried dating years ago and it didn’t work out 100%. I’m in a special predicament right now with him, though, so I’m going to wait until that is over with and then probably do what you said – become only a casual friend to him.

    *sigh* We’ll see what happens, though. Wish me luck 🙂

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  3. I have been dating this girl since arnd 7 yrs now. About an yr ago we started having problems/fights and she distanced herself saying she wanted a break I never gave up & always been there we go out for movies/dinner but I’ve started to false I’m on her hook but it’s not easy to let go. Help me Gina!!

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    • Ahhh… the ‘break.’ I’ve been sitting on an article about this for some time now. The sad truth is that you are on a break because you are broken. If you guys have been going out for 7 years and she’s just deciding now that she needs a break, you need to let her do that! You don’t have to start dating again yourself, but treat a break like a breakup. You need someone who wants to be around you- a break is a way for her to get away from you and not date you, but not cut ties with you. A break, in theory, should be a time where you both decide if you would like to be together- not just her. If that hasn’t happened, the break is no longer serving a purpose, and you should break up for real.

      This stuff hurts. But look at it this way: it hurts being around her and knowing that she doesn’t want to date you. It hurts knowing there are other women out there who could bring you a world of happiness. It hurts knowing that you have happiness to give to someone else. And it really hurts knowing that she doesn’t want what you’re offering. Stop thinking about her feelings, and protect yourself. It will never be easy, but it will never feel more right. Good luck!

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  4. Been on hook forever !!!!!!!!! Don’t know why i still hope there is a chance every time she texts me ” i miss you”. But then after a couple of days i’m back on the hook

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  5. This is greatly enlightening. I knew that my situation was something unusual. It wasn’t quite romantic, yet not quite the within the confines of the friend zone either. But this being “on the hook” is a very real thing, and it truly sucks. Have to cut these kinds of things off.

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  6. Wow. Really great read and so true. Was on the hook (currently getting off) with this girl for 2.5 years. Was pretty much just a fall back for when things were bad for her, including when she had a boyfriend. At that point I distanced myself. When they broke up, I got a call a week a later and was quickly back on. It was only until the beginning of this year of me continually doing the same things that she hooked up with another guy from my school and started realizing that her “someday maybe we’ll be together”‘s what just me intentionally not seeing what was apparent. It sucks but you gotta take that jump.

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  7. I’ve never been in this situation before until now. I met a guy at work and he told me he liked me. He kept texting constantly but made no attempt to meet up. I was very confused as he was behaving like a boyfriend on text but did not want to go on a date. I started googling and realised I was just a ego boost…I was on the hook. I made a fool of myself running after him and texting for 2 months in the hope of a date that never happened. It is very humiliating when this happens to you but I finally cut him off.

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  8. My bestfriends girlfriend did this to me. I felt like a complete idiot. And while I really didn’t wanna ruin my friendship with my bro, I chose not to tell him. And since I had to distance me from her, I distanced me from him too. Lost two of my most important people in a matter of seconds.
    I did the get casual “I miss you” text from her, but chose to ignore them. I really do belive she and him misses me (I certainly miss them), I really don’t miss the situation. It was extremely awkward at times, and seeing my crush hooking up with my bestfriend really took a huge part of me.

    Happy i chose too leave. Was just too much pain. Great article!

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  9. I’m currently on the hook of a guy I’ve had a crush on for the past 3 years and kinda loved for the past year. It sucks. I’ve done some things to help him out but now I realize that those things are not as simple as those a normal friend would do. I’m so mad at myself, but I can’t seemto get out of it. Every time I see him I feel like a stupid teen again, crazy and in love. I just wrote this to warn you! If the guy or girl isn’t paying as much attention as you pay to them GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE! This is awful. There are other people there for you. Go find them!

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  10. I’ve been seeing this girl for aboit 6mos now, she lets me stay the night and we are very sexually active with each other. Lets me spend time with her kids, shes given me the security number for her house and her phone and her atm card. With that being said there are no i love yous and goes nuts when i talk about comitting to each other. Says i am the best man and treat her like she’s never been treated before. Said there os no way i can keep up with the way i treat her. So where is she taking me…please help.

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