Mike writes a recurring sarcastic and informative column every other Thursday in the Unfinished Man and is the Founder of My Online Dating Consultant
Sorry…those lovely ladies pictured are not available. However, there are tons of beautiful woman everywhere waiting for you to approach them. You can tie yourself up in knots listening to every seminar about dating, taking in every piece of dating advice from a guy friend who seems to be on a roll or you can embrace one simple concept…immediacy. Whether it’s crafting an alluring online dating email or approaching an attractive woman in the bar, moving quickly will increase your effectiveness. Here’s why.
The Sooner You Move, The Less You Get In Your Own Way
You walk into the bar and you see the stunning girl who lights you up right away. Your eyes meet and you’re flush with mutual attraction. A smile from her activates all of your male instincts : energy, excitement, sexual desire…and then fear. You go from a moment of pure animal hunger to panic and meakness. Why does that happen?
There are tons of theories about the origins of that fear instinct that kick in when faced with a beautiful woman. The key is to circumvent that downward spiral and simply make a move.
I know, it sounds like I’m over simplifying but the longer you stand there with your buddies awkwardly and don’t approach her the more you lose your connection to that initial animal moment when your eyes met. The longer you wait, the more she thinks you’re a pussy for not having the balls to go after what you want.
When it’s all said and done women are attracted to confidence. All women desire a man who goes after what/whom he wants and that starts with her. Inaction, indecisiveness and general passiveness are all female kryptonite.
Lean Toward Action and Away From Over-Thinking
Oh and by the way, here’s what else happens. The more separated you get from the animal allure you felt when you first saw her, the more you let your brain infuse doubt, insecurity, over-analysis of outcomes and over glorification of what this moment really is. You begin to think about how you’re going to get her in bed, if she’d make a good girlfriend, whether she’d fit in with your friends and your mind transforms this simple moment into an epic, life altering situation that is pure fiction.
The more time you have to think about it, the more time you have to talk yourself out of going to talk to her. I guarantee you that you’ll never be sorry you went up and talked to a girl you’re attracted to. However, you will be sorry that you didn’t go up to her and will be kicking yourself the rest of the night when she sneaks out of the bar early or worse leaves with someone else instead of you.
Contrary to what you may think, playing it cool or scanning the room and pretending there are others whom you may prefer doesn’t work.
What It Really Is
Here’s the reality. That moment simply is an opportunity to talk to someone new. Don’t make it more than that.
In the beginning, allow yourself to get out of the self imposed intensity of having to come with up something so amazingly witty and charming to say to your targeted woman. Get into banter mode and make a fun observation. Be the guy who you are with your friends who’s relaxed, funny and confident.
As an Unfinished Man reader, you’re likely a successful, interesting dude and I’m willing to bet that more than half the time you end up approaching these “unapproachable” girls, you’ll find that she’s not all that exceptional and you’ve dramatically overvalued her suitability as a partner purely based on her physical assets.
You’re probably a lot more interesting than she is…but I hope she surprises you.
Practice Makes Perfect and More Fun For You
Here’s the best part…the more practiced you get at just simply going in and mixing it up with attractive woman, the better you’ll get at it. The sooner you can present yourself confidently as you are, the better your results will be.
Do you really care if in the worst case scenario you get rejected? Does that make you any less accomplished as a person if some girl in a bar or on an online dating site doesn’t like you? Stop caring about that and release her evaluation of you of any value.
The less you tie the enjoyment of going up to talk to a hot girl to an anticipated outcome, the more you’ll find yourself enjoying the moment and the fun that comes from being comfortable and funny…and making a beautiful girl smile and be perhaps to even her own surprise…attracted to you!
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